Dependence on the Mother

Dependence and the Process of Separation in Children

As mothers, we often perceive our children as an extension of ourselves. Because we brought them into the world, we expect them to share our thoughts and feel as we do. We want them to be independent and self-confident individuals, yet when they begin to differentiate from us, we feel anxious and react emotionally. Believing that we always know what is best for them, we may consciously or unconsciously prevent them from separating from us.

As mothers, we often complain that fathers do not spend enough time with the children, yet we hesitate to leave the child in their care. We want our child to love us the most. In fact, the main reason behind this is the unbearable pain caused by the child’s separation from us.

When someone else holds our baby, we feel a vague discomfort. When our child lets go of our hand and wants to walk independently, when they say “Bye-bye, mommy” at the kindergarten door without even looking back, when they don’t need their parents on the first day of school, or when they plan a holiday with their first group of friends or decide to study abroad — we experience the same feeling.

How healthily we can experience these moments of separation depends largely on the mother’s attitude. The mother must accept and allow the child’s separation from her. Because in most cases, it is not the child who cannot separate, but the mother. When a mother struggles to let go, the child tends to develop the same dependency.

Dependence and Secure Attachment

When babies are born, they have an innate need to bond with their mother or caregiver. Whether this attachment is healthy or unhealthy depends greatly on the quality of the mother–baby relationship. A baby perceives the world as a safe place when the mother meets their needs and shows love and attention consistently.

If the mother fails to meet the child’s physical and emotional needs adequately, or if she herself experiences high levels of anxiety, the child’s sense of security may be damaged. In such cases, the child may feel threatened when separated from the mother and develop separation anxiety.

For a child to adapt to separation in a healthy way, the mother must manage the process consciously. If the mother feels intense anxiety when apart from the child, the child perceives this anxiety and interprets separation as a threat. As a result, the child struggles to adapt to new environments, cannot enjoy new experiences, and falls into a cycle of separation anxiety.

Some mothers believe that only they can take the best care of their children and therefore keep them constantly by their side. However, such dependency eventually becomes a heavy burden for both mother and child. Over time, the mother may emotionally push the child away because she cannot cope with the dependency, and the balance in their relationship is lost. In such cases, the child acts out of fear of losing the mother’s love and becomes unable to set boundaries. Consequently, the child may develop tantrums, stubbornness, and behavioral problems as a way to maintain the mother’s attention.

Children who develop dependency face great difficulties when they reach school age. When it is time to start preschool or elementary school, they may experience intense separation anxiety, fear of school, or even school phobia. These children may make up excuses to avoid going to school and may even show physical symptoms such as nausea, vomiting, or headaches.

How to Prevent Separation Anxiety

✔ The mother should recognize and manage her own separation anxiety.
For the child to act independently, the mother must first allow freedom. Seeking professional support can be helpful if needed.

✔ Encourage short separations from infancy.
From early months, babies should spend time with caregivers other than the mother. Short periods of separation help the child develop secure attachment.

✔ Gradually increase the duration of separations.
As the child becomes accustomed to short separations, the time apart can be gradually extended. Start with brief absences of about half an hour, then increase gradually. The child must experience that the mother leaves safely and always returns.

✔ Social environments help reduce dependency.
Children at risk of dependency should begin attending daycare or preschool before elementary school. Being in social environments from an early age helps lower the level of dependency.

✔ Parents should remain consistent during the school process.
Standing firm against the child’s crying, excuses, or resistance ensures that the adjustment process proceeds more smoothly and quickly.

✔ Seek professional support in cases of intense anxiety.
Consulting a child psychologist can make the process easier for children experiencing separation anxiety.

Conclusion

For children to become independent individuals, mothers must learn to let them go. The process of a child’s individuation is a natural part of healthy development, and it is vital for parents to approach it consciously.

When your child one day says “Bye-bye, mommy” and runs to school or to their friends without looking back, you may feel a pang in your heart. However, this feeling is actually the most important sign that your child has become a strong and independent individual. The essence of motherhood lies in experiencing the bittersweet pain of separation while allowing our children the freedom to grow.